Jamie is softening towards me. Yay!!! My mommy heart is happy.

I would have posted sooner but we lost our camera cable so haven't been able to load pictures and I kept waiting for pictures. I decided I'll just post.

Some of you might know that Jamie has taken a while to warm up to me. Even though he started attaching more readily to David early on, we both have noticed a real change in him in the past 3 weeks towards both of us (a good thing) . Especially in the last two weeks Jamie is not angry with me and whining about Daddy not being there to get him up in the morning or after nap--he always asks for him still but when I tell him he's at work he seems fairly satisfied and has even said, " Mama!" in a delighted way a couple of times in the past couple of weeks when I go in to get him up in the morning or after nap. This is something new and I love it!

Interestingly, I notice that he is more affectionate with me when he is role playing that he is a daddy cat and I am his baby. He generally does this every single morning now as soon as he wakes and I go in. Even at other times when I need to carry him (wrapped in a towel after bath for example) he normally would be saying, " Down me! Down me!" and whining--trying to push away from me, but now he is starting to relax and sing and be happy and he'll meow and say, " Daddy cat" (meaning himself) and drape himself over my shoulder, molding to my body, which is a new thing for him and a delight for me (boy I have been waiting for this kind of closeness.) He doesn't do it for what I would think a typical duration of time, usually far less than a minute, but I am soaking it up when I get it.

Interestingly, since he learned how to say mommy and daddy this past weekend (mama and dada before) he seems to be drawing even closer. He is enjoying saying mommy and I think he's proud that he can say it and he's calling my attention to things even more than he usually does and just saying mommy for no reason at all and coming over and hugging me. He did that to some extent before but now it's relaxed and more regular and he seems to be starting to really enjoy me being there more.

I started following some advice I should have done from the start yet only started just 2 weeks ago. This could be part of why he's starting to attach to me more significantly. For helping children to attach to their adoptive parents it is sometimes advised by attachment therapists to feed sweet bottles (warm milk w/ a little added sugar) to the child, not allowing the child to hold the bottle but the parent holding it and cradling the child and rocking and singing to them. Jamie has always held his own bottles. He didn't like me doing it at first 2 weeks ago and still doesn't make much eye contact at all during it, but he is clearly liking it now and asking for it now some mornings. They say that the lactose and sugar do something in the brain to help trigger some type of infant like attachment reflex or something to the caregiver. Well it is helping. First few times Jamie wanted me to stop singing. Last time I paused and he said more and I said, " You want mama to keep singing?" and he said yes. I just sing about how I love him and variations on that and rock him. I am hoping this will also improve his eye contact with me. He makes normal eye contact during play, but if we want him to make eye contact with him when we're holding him he won't.

Another thing that happened that I think seemed to be a turning point for him was he had an absolute melt down tantrum at the mall food court one day 2 or 3 weeks ago--about his worst tantrum I've seen (not the worst for many children but for him)---I had every reason to raise my voice or seem upset w/ him for being so crazy but I held all my feelings of 'oh my goodness you have got to be kidding me kid' inside and kept completely calm on the outside and very level and matter of fact. He was flipping out b/c I had told him he had to try a bite of carrot raisin salad (and he likes shredded carrots and raisins) before he could eat any chicken nuggets or else he couldn't have nuggets. You would think I was killing him he was screaming and flailing so much and the longer it went on the worse it got b/c he was scaring himself I guess. Anyway, I held him on my lap and kept telling him to go ahead and get his angries out and mommy loved him. He started to calm down a bit and eventually we left (not having eaten either) but he was totally over it by then and happy again but wanted me to carry him (he usually wants me to hold him when he loses it b/c it scares him to lose it so much). As I carried him he started singing and pointing out things he was interested in and telling me to look at things, etc. I thought about how if I'd lost my cool and gotten angry or yelled it would have sent him back to not feeling safe around me. Him totally losing his cool and seeing me hold myself together calmly and lovingly seemed to help him feel like I was worthy of more trust. What a breakthrough! ;-) I really never did expect it would take this many months for him to start trusting and liking me more. I really was surprised even though I thought I was very prepared.

I do wish he was lighter weight so I could carry him longer. I think he's about 33.5 lbs! I was holding another boy at playgroup today and he was only 24 lbs, so incredibly light I hardly felt like I was holding him and I easily held that boy for a little while and didn't even feel like I was! I held both of them at the same time for a few min and that was interesting, lol. Jamie loved it.

I have deeply loved Jamie for so many months now and I am so deeply pleased and relieved to see him starting to really reciprocate some real love and affection on a deeper level. I want nothing more than to seem fully safe to him and a place of refuge. He had a nightmare about a month ago before he started feeling closer to me and when I went in to comfort him he was trying to climb up the other side of the crib to get away and was screaming--it just killed me to not be of comfort to him when he was having a bad dream. And then a day or two after that we were at the playground and he fell and got hurt but only wanted me to hold him about 10 seconds before he was saying down please, down please! Fast forward to playgroup a week ago when he got knocked over by someone accidentally and he came running and wanted me to hold him for about 5 minutes or longer and he layed his head on my shoulder (something that has only happened a few times before 2 weeks ago) and when he got down and he held my hand too.

I think moms who have their children from birth (either domestic adoption by birth or moms w/ bio children) are so lucky to get to enjoy this kind of intimacy with their children. It is natural as a mother to assume you will be a source of comfort and soothing to your child when they need you. I wonder if these moms realize how lucky they are. I think a lot of adoptive moms think that their children will quickly start to be like this with them and are not prepared for the longer haul time it takes some kids to start to trust. It's something I assumed would start to come to me sooner than 10.5 months home (I didn't expect it right away but thought it would be steady progress forward and surely would have expected that 10 months home my child would be well attached to me.) I can't tell you what a deep sense of peace and happiness I now have b/c of knowing my son is finding some real comfort being with me and held by me. I look forward to seeing more progress in this area! It is still a work in progress and definitely not the end point yet. I am just so encouraged. What a long wait I have felt like I've had and it is finally paying off being calm during all of his meltdowns and whining sessions. (This is not something that comes naturally to me for sure b/c I get angry easily, so this is really helping me understand how to be a good mommy too.)

People who see Jamie happy and laughing don't seem to realize how intense our son can be when he is unhappy too. He surely is both. He wears his emotions for all to see--I really love his character and personality! He is our rock star!

When we get the camera cord I'll post some pictures of two trips to the beach we've taken in the last month. We had such a great time. Jamie really enjoyed it and he slept great in the pack and play. That was an answer to prayer! ;-)